Stand Up NY

Stand Up NY

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The Only Way to Have an Opinion

When it comes to people, places, and things, there can only be two extremely opposing views and anyone who disagrees with me is wrong. Sometimes, my opinions are so powerful and unsupported by fact that I barely have the mental strength left to summon the words that would describe my indescribable emotions towards these issues, and I am left a screaming, sweaty mess that sputters out vague syllables in an attempt to piece together a sentence.

So to avoid another trip to the hospital being mistakenly treated for stroke, I created a couple fill-in-the-blank phrases to immediately voice each little gemstone that pops into my mind about large groups of people I have generalized using one personal experience, two subjective ideas, three superficial details, and four more things that are definitely not facts. Try them out! All ________ are ________, I hate it when _______ always _______, and every time _______s _______ , I want to ______ my ______.

I have found that these statements work for both sides of The Issues, but only one of those sides (my side) is the correct side. The reason I love having my Fancy Fill-Ins at the ready is that last week I only popped seven blood vessels instead of the usual thirteen. In conclusion, the earth is flat, there are seven tgszdsf for every hfbj, and I have been constipated for 80,000 years.


This article is sponsored by Middle Earth, The Eightfold Path, and People of Various Heights.